Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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