Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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