@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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