Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
