saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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