I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
