Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
