I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
