she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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