sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Drunk is a universal language darling
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
