All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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