Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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