Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
