my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I am naked and annoyed.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
