Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
