today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
