Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
