so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
