sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I look better un-naked...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
