She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
