we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
