i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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