He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
