i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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