i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
