One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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