Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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