hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
