This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
