I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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