To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
