Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
