I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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