She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
