I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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