just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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