Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
