My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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