If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
