My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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