you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
