update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
