she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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