don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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