Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
