Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
