The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
