In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
