im drinking this country out of the recession.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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