Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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