The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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